Jibs so far:

11

Jabs so far:

1

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 01, 2005
RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place
on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the
Grill House. There will be an open bar & plenty of food We'll have a
small band playing traditional carols ... feel free to sing along. And
don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A
Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees
can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make
the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pocket. This gathering is only
for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you & your family.
Patty



FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 02, 2005
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often
coincides w/Christmas, tho unfortunately not this year. However, from
now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to
any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating
Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree. No Christmas carols
sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you & your family.
Patty



FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 03, 2005
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy
to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads,
"AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to
handle this?
Somebody?
Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange is allowed since the
union members feel that $10.00 is too much money & executives believe
$10.00 is a little chintzy.
NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.



FROM:  Patty Lewis, Human Resources  Director
To:         All Employees
DATE:    December 04, 2005
RE:         Holiday Party

What a  diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the
Muslim holy  month of Ramadan, which forbids eating & drinking during
daylight hours.  There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how
a luncheon at this  time of year does not accommodate our Muslim
employees' beliefs. Perhaps the  Grill House can hold off on serving your meal
until the end of the party -  or else package everything for you to take it
home in little foil doggy  baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've
arranged for members of Weight  Watchers to sit farthest from the
dessert buffet & pregnant women will  get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit w/each  other. Lesbians do not have to sit w/Gay
men, each will have their own  table. Yes, there will be flower
arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the  person asking permission
to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed tho we  will have booster seats
for short people. Low-fat food will be available for  those on a diet.
We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for  those people
w/high blood pressure to taste 1st. There will be fresh fruits  as
dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts.
Sorry!
Did I miss  anything?!?!?
Patty




FROM:   Patty  Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:          All F***king Employees
DATE:    December 05, 2005
RE:         The F***ing Holiday  Party

Vegetarian pricks I've had it  w/you people!!! We're going to keep this
party at the Grill House whether  you like it or not, so you can sit
quietly at the table furthest from the  "grill of death," as you so
quaintly put it, & you'll get your f***ing  salad bar, including organic
tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings,  too. They scream when
you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing  them scream right
NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk  & die,
The Bitch from  HELL!!!




FROM:  Joan Bishop,  Acting Human Resources Director
DATE:    December 06, 2005
RE:         Patty Lewis & Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a  speedy
recovery & I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the  meantime,
management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party & give  everyone the
afternoon of the 23rd off w/full pay.
Happy Holidays!