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Instructions for all those with teenage daughters or daughters who think they are teenagers or who will eventually be teenagers.

Teenager Owner's Manual Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenage daughter.

Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions about your warranty (which does NOT include the right to return the product to the factory
for a full refund.)

IF YOU FEEL, YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR:

To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenager girl, please examine your new daughter carefully. Does she:

(a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup and less clothing?

(b) refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth (except when requesting money)?

(c) Sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry?

If any of these are true, you have received the correct item. Nice try, though.

BREAK-IN PERIOD:

When you first receive your teenage daughter, you will initially experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will subside, and you will merely feel traumatized.

This is the "Break-In Period," during which you are becoming accustomed to certain behaviors that will cause you concern, anxiety and stress.

Once you have adapted to these behaviors, your teenager will start acting even worse.

ACTIVATION:

To activate your teenage daughter, simply place her in the vicinity of a telephone or Instant Messenger.

No further programming is required.

SHUTDOWN:

Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your teenage daughter.

There is no way to do this.

CLEANING YOUR TEENAGE DAUGHTER:

Having a teenage daughter means learning the difference between the words "clean" and "neat."

Teenage daughters are very clean, because they take frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps that you must purchase for them because like I am sure I am going to use like the same kind of soap my mom and dad use. When they have completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step out and wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently strew throughout the house.

If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing "clean" with "neat." Teenagers are very busy and do not have time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them. These others are called "parents."