ACTUAL STATEMENTS:
           

 

  These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
  
   ATTORNEY:   Are you sexually active?
   WITNESS:     No, I just lie there.   ____________________________________________________________________
   ATTORNEY:  What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
   WITNESS:    Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
   ______________________________________
   ATTORNEY:   This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
   WITNESS:     Yes.
   ATTORNEY:   And in what ways does it affect your memory?
   WITNESS:     I forget.
   ATTORNEY:   You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
   _____________________________________
   ATTORNEY:  What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
   WITNESS:    He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
   ATTORNEY:  And why did that upset you?
   WITNESS:    My name is Susan!
   ______________________________________
   ATTORNEY:  Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
   WITNESS:    We both do.
   ATTORNEY:  Voodoo?
   WITNESS:    We do.
   ATTORNEY:  You do?
   WITNESS:    Yes, voodoo.
   ______________________________________
   ATTORNEY:  Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
   WITNESS:   Did you actually pass the bar exam?
   ____________________________________
   ATTORNEY:  The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
   WITNESS:    Uh, he's twenty.
   ________________________________________
   ATTORNEY:  Were you present when your picture was taken?
   WITNESS:    Are you kiddin' me?
   ______________________________________
   ATTORNEY:   So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
   WITNESS:     Yes.
   ATTORNEY:   And what were you doing at that time?
   WITNESS:     Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
   ______________________________________
   ATTORNEY:    She had three children, right?
   WITNESS:      Yes.
   ATTORNEY:    How many were boys ?
   WITNESS:      None.
   ATTORNEY:    Were there any girls?
   WITNESS:      Are you kiddin' me? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
   ______________________________________
   ATTORNEY:  How was your first marriage terminated?
   WITNESS:    By death.
   ATTORNEY:  And by whose death was it terminated?
   WITNESS:    Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
   ______________________________________
   ATTORNEY:   Can you describe the individual?
   WITNESS:     He was about medium height and had a beard.
   ATTORNEY:   Was this a male or a female?
   WITNESS:     Guess.
   _____________________________________
   ATTORNEY:   Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
   WITNESS:     No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
   ______________________________________
   ATTORNEY:   Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
   WITNESS:      All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
   ______________________________________
   ATTORNEY:   ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
   WITNESS:      Oral.
   ______________________________________
   ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
   WITNESS:    The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
   ATTORNEY:  And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
   WITNESS:    No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
   ____________________________________________
   ATTORNEY:   Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
   WITNESS:     Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
   ______________________________________
   And the best for last:
   ______________________________________
   ATTORNEY:   Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
   WITNESS:      No.
   ATTORNEY:   Did you check for blood pressure?
   WITNESS:      No.
   ATTORNEY:   Did you check for breathing?
   WITNESS:     No.
   ATTORNEY:  So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
   WITNESS:      No.
   ATTORNEY:   How can you be so sure, Doctor?
   WITNESS:      Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
   ATTORNEY:  I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
   WITNESS:      Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.