Jibs so far:

2

Jabs so far:

2

I would like to share my retirement 
experiences with you, which I hope will be helpful. 


Fifteen years ago my wife and I moved into an adult retirement 
development on Florida's east coast, [a code word for gathering place 
of 'the chosen people.'] For a while we seriously considered 
Bangladesh...I know what you're thinking... Why Bangladesh? To begin 
with, everything is considerably cheaper there. The dollar goes a long 
way. Sometimes they even accept Monopoly money. There's less traffic, 
it never snows, there are no annoying snow birds to deal with and it's 
easy to get into the only restaurant, especially during the tsunamis. 


We had just taken our jungle rot, beri and cholera shots when we 
realized, living so far away would mean less visits from our 
grandchildren. The last time we saw them was on Grandchildren's Day 
when they were dragged down by their parents. We were living in the 
Delray/Boca/Boynton, Golf, Spa, Bath and Tennis Club on Lake 
Fake-a-hachee. [There are 3000 lakes in Florida, only 3 are real.] We 
remember that visit because that was the time little Shmuley was 
carried off by an alligator. Fortunately his 'peyas',[side locks], hide 
the scars and we're told his limp will eventually disappear. As it is, 
we see less and less of them as they get older. Why give them another 
excuse not to visit us? We keep sending them money for plane tickets, 
now that they are old enough to travel by themselves. Instead of plane 
tickets, they squander it all on the latest electronic junk that 
becomes obsolete before they leave the store. God forbid they should 
give up some of their precious time on the inner net and up loading the 
who tube and the p-pod, or what ever the hell it is they do and give us 
a call! We don't understand any of this computer stuff. I'm still 
trying to figure out how Topo Gigo worked. It's no wonder kids today 
don't want to be with their grandparents. It's not 'cool.' They 
identify with Justin Timberlake and Lindsey Lohan. We had wholesome 
celebrities like Shirley Temple and Charlie Chap lain. The only thing 
Charlie Chaplain and Lindsey Lohan have in common is they are both 
known as 'The Little Tramp.' 


It would be great if the kids came down to visit us this winter, 
because our drama group, The Elderly Ensemble Entertainers or EEE as we 
call them is doing a musical version of King Lear. Their grandmother 
has one of the leading roles. She is playing Goneril which is one of 
Lear's daughters not a transmissible disease. I would rather she played 
another daughter, Penicella, which sounds healthier. If they don't come 
however, it will be their loss. They will also miss the Hadassah 
Lesbian Choir doing a medley of Snoop Dog hits. And by popular demand, 
the feisty, Hip Replacement Tappers Club will be tap dancing to the 
Flight Of The Bumble Bee. In all, it promises to be quite a production 
with lots of singing and dancing. This year I am not in the cast but 
will be standing by with the defibrillator volunteers. 


Our biggest retirement concern was time management. What were we going 
to do all day? Let me assure you, passing the time is not a problem. 
There is barely enough time to floss. Your days will be eaten up by 
simple, daily actives. Just getting out of your car takes 5 minutes. 
Trying to find where you parked takes 20 minutes. It takes 1/2 hour on 
the check-out line in Walmart and 1 hour to return the item the next 
day. The early bird, restaurant lines take 45 minutes. Then of course, 
there are the visits to the doctor's and dentist's offices etc. So you 
see my friends, filling up the day is not a problem. Neither my wife 
or myself were interested in the more popular, senior activities 
available in Florida. Activities like golf, playing cards, fishing, 
wind surfing with walkers and alligator wrestling. But our apprehension 
was short lived. Let me take you through a typical day. 


We get up a t 5;30 am, have a quick breakfast and join the early 
morning Walk and Talk Club. There about 30 of us and rain or shine we 
walk around the streets, all talking at once. Some of us on cell 
phones. Of course, there are residents who complain that we wake them 
up and block local traffic. Every development has some of these selfish 
individuals who think only of themselves. I say, if they want to hang 
around in bed until 6 AM, let them go to an assisted living community! 


After a nimble walk avoiding irate drivers out to make us road kill, we 
go back home, shower and change for the next activity. My wife goes 
directly to the pool for her under water Pilates class followed by 
gasping for breath and CPR. I put on my 'ask me about my grand 
children,' T-shirt, my mid-calf cargo shorts, my black socks and 
sandals and go to the club house lobby or the computer class for a nice 
nap. Before you know it it's time for lunch. 


In Florida lunches are free. We alternate between Costco and The Boys 
to partake of the many tasty samples dispensed by ladies in white hair 
nets. All free! After a filling lunch, [free], if we don't have any 
doctor appointments we might go to the flea market to see if any new 
white belts have come in or to buy a Rolex watch for $2.00. 


We're usually back home by 2 PM to get ready for dinner. People start 
lining up for the early bird about 3 PM, so we don't want to be too 
late. We get there by 3:45 because we are late eaters. The diners are 
very popular because of the large portions they serve and the 
relatively inexpensive prices. You can take home enough food for the 
next day's lunch and dinner, including extra bread, crackers plus 
sweet-and-low packets. At 5:30 we're home ready to watch the 6 o'clock 
news. By 6:30 we're fast asleep. Then we get up and go to bed. 5 or 6 
trips to the bath room during the night and it's time to get up and 
start a new day all over again. 


Doctor related activities will eat up most of your retirement time. It 
is not unusual to spend an hour or more in the office waiting to see 
the doctor. I enjoy reading old magazines in sub zero temperatures, so 
I don't mind. Other medical matters include rearranging conflicting 
doctor appointments between my wife and myself. Calling for test 
results also help the days fly by. It takes at least 10 minutes just 
getting through the doctor's phone menu when you call the office. Then 
there is hold time until you are connected to the right party. 
Sometimes they forget you are holding and the whole office goes to 
lunch. Many of the receptionists are quite rude and inconsiderate. They 
keep you standing at that dopey little, closed glass window, totally 
ignoring you. After 5 minutes, I ignore the 'do not tap on the window' 
sign and tap on the window. This always drives them nuts. I believe 
you're allowed to crack open the window respectfully but no tapping! If 
you do, they put down their Egg McMuffin or Inquirer, fling open the 
window, ready for a fight. I lie, explaining I tapped on the window 
accidentally because I have Parkinson's. They accept it begrudgingly 
but I am delighted to know I've pissed them off. They claim they are 
required to keep the window closed because of the privacy law but l 
don't believe it. Are they afraid if I were to overhear Sol Lipshitz 
has hemorrhoids, that I would black mail him or sell the information to 
a foreign government? In Florida everyone has hemorrhoids! 


Should one find they still have time on their hands, volunteering 
provides a rewarding opportunity to help the less fortunate. Florida 
has the largest concentration of seniors under five feet and they need 
our help. I myself am a volunteer for 'The Vertically Challenged Over 
80.' I coach their basket ball team---'The Arthritic Avengers.' The 
hoop is only 4 1/2 feet from the floor. You should see the look of 
confidence on their faces when they make a slam dunk. 


Food shopping is a problem for short seniors or 'bottom feeders ' as we 
call them because they can't reach the items on the upper shelves. 
There are many foods they have never tasted. Whenever I see one of them 
struggling to reach a jar of gefilte fish, I rush over to lend a hand. 
We are taught never to get the item for them but clasp our hands 
together to give them a boost so they can get it them selves, 
instilling a sense of accomplishment. 


Most seniors can't remember where they parked their cars. The short 
ones wander the parking lot for hours looking for their car while their 
food defrosts, as darkness approaches. Because of their diminutive 
stature it's difficult for them to spot their car. To provide a higher 
vantage point, we heist them up on our shoulders, which isn't difficult 
since they only weigh 70 pounds. We walk up and down the rows until 
they eventually see their car. For me the shoulder carry is the most 
rewarding experience of all unless of course they're incontinent. They 
rarely thank me because they're a bunch of testy little trolls. But I'm 
not in it for the thanks. To know I'm helping make the world a better 
place by reaching out to my fellow man is enough thanks for me. As 
Mother Teresa once said about the lepers, 'Screw them !' 


Choosing a development with suitable amenities is an important 
decision. Considerations like an indoor pool, shuffle board, cafe, card 
room, etc., are all important. The various clubs in these communities 
provide most of the activities. Our development has over 300 clubs. 
There's something for everyone. Clubs like the bowling club, the drama 
club, the kidney donating club, the Taliban Club, the East meets West 
club, not to be confused with the West meets East club etc. 


Having decided to retire in Florida, selecting the right adult 
community was an important factor. They all claimed to be 'active' 
communities. I didn't want to be in an 'active' community. My 
preference was to relax and just take it easy. I worked hard all my 
life as the only Jewish rodeo clown in the business. I had to work 
twice as hard as the other clowns to prove myself. For those of you who 
have never been to a rodeo, it's the rodeo clown's job to distract the 
bull as soon as the rider is thrown. Should the bull turn on the clown, 
he jumps into a barrel for protection. I didn't want them to say 'Hey 
Tex,that Jew sure spends a lot of time a-hidding in the barrel !' 


As I found out, the term 'active' was misleading. In Florida, active 
refers to anyone capable of going to the bathroom unattended. A truly 
active community is one where the ambulance is there several times a 
day and is part of the Travel Club. 


Lastly it's important to choose a development with an impressive name. 
Italian names are very popular in Florida. They convey... world 
traveler, uppity sophistication and wealth. Where would you rather 
live... Murray's Condo's or Villagio ?? There is no difference. They 
are both owned by Murray who happens to be a cheap bastard! The Italian 
names appeal to those name-dropping, phony snow birds who are out to 
impress their friends up north. I once heard someone say ...'We spend 
our summers in the Catskills but we winter at Villa Borghese in Delray 
Beach. If you're ever in Palm Beach Yetta, we might run into each other 
in Luigi's... chow.' I have been to Villa Borghese. There are 2 
Olivetti's, 1 Fiat and 1,200 Jews! (Do not forget that marvelously 
named community, 'Journey's End'!).