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English is the most widely used language in the history of our planet.  One in every seven humans can speak it.  More than half of the world’s books and ¾ of international mail is in English.  Of all the languages, it has the largest vocabulary – perhaps as many as 2 million words.  Nonetheless, English is a crazy language, for example:  There is no egg in eggplant, no ham in hamburger, neither an apple or pine is in a pineapple.  English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France.  Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads (which aren’t sweet) are meat.

We take English for granted.  But if we explore the paradoxes, we find that quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea, nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write, but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce, and hammers don’t ham?  If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth, beeth?  One goose, 2 geese.  So one moose, 2 meese?  One index, 2 indices?  Huh?

Doesn’t it sound crazy that you can make amends, but not one amend?  You can comb through annals of history, but not a single annal?  If you have a bunch of odds and ends, and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?  Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance mean the same thing?  Why is a wise man and a wise guy opposites?  How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few mean the same thing?  How can weather be as hot as Hell one day and cold as Hell the next?

Some things are referred to only in their absence.  Have you ever seen a horsefull carriage?  A strapfull gown?  Met a sung hero?  Experienced requited love?  Have you ever found someone who was gruntled, ruly, or peccable?

A house can burn up as it burns down.  You fill in a form by filling it out.  When the stars are out, they are visible.  When the lights are out, they are invisible.

Andy why, when I wind my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it?