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Kirk vs. Picard

BY CAPTAIN PICARD

Reasons Why Captain Picard is Better

Has a bigger spaceship, which can separate into two spaceships.
Quotes Shakespeare all the time. Hell, even the ability to speak
without pausing every two to three seconds puts him above Kirk
Not only the president of the Enterprise, but also a client.
Was turned into a Borg. Borgs are cool.
Remained in command of his Enterprise for over seven years. Kirk
didn't even finish his first five-year mission.
Can say "Make it so" in 43 different inflections in over six million forms of communication.
He actually knows how to use a comma.
Isn't a walking sexual harassment suit. Hiring Picard instead of a skirt-chaser like Kirk is estimated to have saved the Federation 23 billion credits worth of legal fees and hush money paid to the mothers of illegitimate children spread out across hundreds of star systems.
Has an annoying techno song composed totally of his lines. Then someone took the time to make a music video by finding the scenes the lines were from, and editing them to fit the song. Crazy.
Wasn't made an admiral. Kirk told him not to let Starfleet promote him, and he didn't. Therefore Picard is better.
Wore a red shirt and stayed alive through every episode.

And here's another buncha reasons

Picard would never, ever tell his fans to GET A LIFE!
Kirk was a leader of followers. That's the only reason he (almost) got away with it.

Picard's worst episodes were originally written for Kirk.
Picard discovers new life, new civilizations and strange new worlds, not discarded movie sets from 1950s period dramas.
Picard can act out entire Shakespearean plays, not merely remember 5 or 6 lines.
Picard can get his ship to orbit a planet in both directions.
Picard would never ever date a shape-shifter who had previously morphed into a little girl.
Picard doesn't need to wear glasses.
Picard has so much backbone Starfleet designers had to cut out a section of his command chair for it all to fit in.
Picard didn't have to reprogram a computer to give him better grades in order to graduate from Starfleet Academy.
Picard has to contend with crap Starfleet Admirals. If he stole a starship only to have it get destroyed, he'd get vaporized, not given captaincy of a new one like in the easy old days.
Picard commands his ship using the big head.
Picard has a ship whose engines can take it.
Three words: seven whole seasons.
Picard never uses Grecian 2000.
Picard has to contend with the "Prime Directive", a ruling imposed on him by Starfleet after they saw what a complete shambles resulted when they let Kirk meet new alien races.
The only way Picard would allow Tribbles on his ship would be as hors d'oeuvres.
Picard never met Joan Collins.
Picard's bridge doesn't sound like an aviary.
Picard participates in the odd archaeological dig. Kirk would make a suitable subject for one.
One question: to which Captain would you entrust the safety of your daughter?
Picard is far too cool to beam down to a planet, strip to his waist and wrestle with some guy in a rubber lizard suit. He lets his First Officer do all that for him.
Picard never shot his best friend's body into space in a photon torpedo.
Kirk probably thinks a concerto is a kind of ice cream dessert.
Picard doesn't need hair, real or not.
Picard's crew are too sophisticated to be taken over by a bunch of women in gogo boots and have the most intelligent person aboard controlled by a box that has less buttons than a Super Nintendo joypad.
One word: SQUISHED (what would happen to Kirk and his ship had he met the Borg and tried to deal with them in the same manner as he deals with most other things).
Kirk, almost single-handedly, repopulated the Earth's whale population. Just goes to show how questionable his sexual practices really are.
If their situations were reversed, Kirk would nail Lwaxana Troi. Picard has standards.
Kirk can just about drive a stickshift. Picard sells Pontiacs during the commercial break.
Picard has a real bar aboard his ship.
Picard would never have let his second in command irradiate himself in the engine room.
While Kirk did make most of the decisions aboard his ship, this was only because advice from his crew was almost exclusively limited to "That's illogical Captain," "You cannae change the laws of physics," "It's worse than that, he's dead, Jim," "It's life, but not as we know it" and "Klingons on the starboard bow." Small wonder really.
Unlike Kirk's, Picard's middle name doesn't sound like an infectious disease.
You'd never have to clean Picard's semen out of the holodeck after he'd used it.
Kirk once made a cannon out of bamboo, sulfur, potassium nitrate & charcoal and used it to fire diamonds into the hearts of his enemies. Despite his proficiency in even the most basic technology, Picard would never try to emulate Richard Dean Anderson.
Picard has only stooped to the dire act of feigning illness to attract a guard's attention once.
Kirk has to fight Klingons to get his way. Picard only has to tell them what to do.
Picard would never wear eye makeup. Never.
Picard has a small, convenient hands-free communicator, not a Fisher Price spin-whizz baby toy.
Picard would never let himself get turned into a woman.
Picard and his crew used to solve a week's mystery in 44 minutes flat. Kirk used to take 50 plus.
Picard never has to sign an Etcha-Sketch attendance register kept by Yeomans with hair like a helter-skelter.
Picard never cries in front of his crew when one of them gets killed.
Picard never has pretentious episode titles like, "For the world is hollow and I have touched the sky".
Kirk is so boring he's caused several computers to self-destruct merely by talking to them.
Picard knows how to make a starship last. He only lost one, and that was when he wasn’t aboard. Kirk has gone through 3 already; that's a trifle careless.
Picard's engineers never lie to him about how long it takes to fix something, because no one, not even Starfleet engineers, mess with Picard.
Despite being French, Picard can speak English like a well-trained articulate thespian from Yorkshire.
Picard chews out Klingons. Kirk chews on Klingons.
Picard can climb rocks without falling off.
Picard's uniform fits. Particularly around the midriff.
Picard had a large serrated knife pushed into his back, through his heart and out his chest... and he just laughed at it!!
Kirk fights like Adam West.
Picard blows up another starship more than once a season.
Picard never has Commies aboard his ship. Kirk has one at the helm.
Picard never has to put bits of Lego into his computers to make them work.
Picard made sure all the beds in his sickbay looked even more uncomfortable than Kirk's so he'd have fewer slackers.
Picard's phaser fires a burst of lethal energy capable of vaporizing a person. It does not fire a stream of red felt-tip pen.
Women chase Picard. Kirk has to go out and bag his (except for the ones with green skin).
Picard never needs a pessimistic Scot to beam him out of the crap when things get ugly.
Picard’s would never tolerate having an officer onboard with a name that is (embarrassingly) similar to his nationality.
If Picard had a Scottish person onboard, he'd be afraid. Fear is productive.
When Picard has a holiday he goes home, gets drunk and brawls. Kirk sits at a campfire toasting marshmallows while singing "Row row row your boat".
Picard drank Romulan soup and didn't even flinch. Much.
Picard never had useless crewmembers.Kirk had one in engeneering
The Klingons in Kirk's day were real wusses.
Picard's girlfriends just look good. In any light.
Picard once sent an entire ship full of people through a temporal rift to their certain doom. And just because his bartender suggested it might be a laugh to do so.
Picard doesn't need to jump through big stone doughnuts to travel in time.
Remember the time when the Captain of the Enterprise was a slow-moving, monosyllabic automaton with a funny name? But enough about Kirk, wasn't Picard terrific as a Borg?
Kirk only managed to make himself look relatively attractive by carefully selecting his crew; contrast is everything.
If Picard was going to kiss a black woman, he’d make sure it wasn’t a crew member, make certain it was well exposed for all to see, and make no use of a lame excuse such as "being under a spell". See, Picard isn’t afraid of the Klan.
Picard is too pussy to look for God in the center of the galaxy, that's why he never did it. Picard's utter pussyness saves lives.
Picard has only ever gone crazy once, and then he did something really cool like draw a smiley face in the cloud emanating from a warp core explosion.
Picard would never let his son get killed by Klingons.
Two words: Command presence.
If Kirk ever met a Ferengi, he'd probably try to mate with it.
Kirk never wore green tights and frolicked around Sherwood Forest. Kirk has no sense of humor.
Picard’s adventures spun off three new series, each longer than Kirk’s run. Kirk only inspired a one-seasoned cartoon, and six movies.
Kirk's First Officer played some form of Vulcan harp, an instrument that makes the trombone look like just about the most macho thing this side of Kirk's toupee.
How many innocent yellow-shirted security officers have been killed by crazed aliens who had taken pot shots at them in the mistaken belief that they were actually shooting at Kirk?
Kirk commands his ship as if he's driving a tractor across an Iowa wheat field.
When Picard was 37, he was the Captain of the lowly Stargazer. Starfleet soon learned the value of "progressive experience" having witnessed the disastrous consequences of letting someone take charge of a real ship when their previous vehicular experience extended only as far as driving a tractor across an Iowa wheat field.
If Kirk had a doctor like Beverly Crusher, Starfleet would have to relocate the command chair in sickbay.
If Kirk was captain when Tasha Yar died, he would have tried to do her corpse.
Picard has more than one token black person on his crew.
Picard isn't afraid to go places without a security team.
Picard doesn't wear pansy sailor-boy markings on his cuffs.
Picard has shuttlecraft that can travel faster than Kirk's ship.
Picard would never have said "He's had too much LDS".
Picard never has to say stupid things like, "I...am a Gr'up!" in front of young teenage girls who fancy him.
Picard was actually in his own show's pilot episode.
Picard never visits planets that look suspiciously like a Californian desert, except for that time he met Kirk.
Picard won't spend his retirement writing science fiction books or making cameo appearances in Zemeckis & Zemeckis films.
Picard was never demoted to a lieutenant in the L.A. Police Department.
Picard is too slim to require a Kellogg’s All Bran diet, and too dignified to turn up in an ad for such things.
Picard's doctor doesn't have to keep reminding him what her job is.
Picard doesn't have to operate his turbo lifts using hand pumps.
Picard's main viewer is a 200 inch hi-definition TV with Nicam and Pro-Logic surround-sound. It Also is HD.
Picard's ego wouldn't demand $7 million for a 10 minute appearance in a movie.
Picard can spend more than 15 minutes on a planet before being shot at or locked up.
Picard's ship was never taken over by a door-to-door salesman.
If the Borg had assimilated Kirk, they wouldn't have learned anything.
Picard's First Officer eats the things that attack Kirk in alien forests.
Picard admitted he had a hair problem, and moreover used it to his great advantage.
Picard would never blow up his own ship.
Imagine you have to impose your authority: "This is Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Federation Starship Enterprise." Now introduce yourself as "James Tiberius Kirk, but you can call me Jim." See the difference?
If Q had met Kirk instead of Picard he would have destroyed humanity before Kirk got two words out.
Who ever heard of the Patrick Stewart foundation?
One word: Intelligence.
Doesn't need glasses to read something on a control console like Kirk.
Picard actually has a house to go to.
Picard's chief of engineering doesn't say: I canna change the laws of physics. Instead, he just deals with it.
Kirk has never been to the Briar Patch or the Bassen Rift.
Picard has gone to 2063, Kirk only went back in time 3 days.
Kirk is the son of Stalin, Picard is a descendant of Charles De Gaul.
Picard lets Data have his cat, because Data would go on a killing spree if he didn't get his way. Kirk wouldn't live another second if he didn't let Data have his way.
Picard is proud to be bald, Kirk wears a toupée and won't admit it.
Picard was also Capt. Ahab in a past life.
Picard has gold models of every Enterprise in his ready room.
Picard knows Pi right down to the last decimal.
Picard knows the square roots of negative numbers.
If Picard was going to have an illicit affair with someone on his ship, it would be Dr. Crusher.
Picard knows how to beat a subspace weapon, Kirk would attempt to fight it in deadly combat.
Kirk never had a proper pilot episode, Picard had an excellent pilot episode.
Picard keeps a rare and exotic lionfish as a pet in his room. All Kirk had was a stash of nudie mags hidden under his mattress.
Kirk's show led to the first interracial kiss on network TV but Picard's show eventually led to the first lesbian kiss on network TV. Now be honest; which would you rather see?
Picard has his own holiday.
Picard's head of security has a turtle glued to his head. Kirk's security officers die every episode.
Picard invented a brilliant battle plan when he was in command of the USS Stargazer, Kirk doesn't have the brains to make a battle manouver.
Picard had a threesome with Dr. Crusher and Troi's mom.
On Earth, Picard has a mansion. Kirk only has a lowly aluminum oven to sleep in.
Picard was tortured by Cardassians and didn't even flinch.
Picard's villians look much more impressive that a bunch of stunt men in lizard suits.
Picard has brains and brawns.
Picard is Wesley Crusher's assassin.
Picard was able to make it out of Generations alive.
Picard can sing the alphabet really well. And he has the balls to do it on the bridge.
Picard's personal Harem: Deanna Troi, Beverly Crusher, Lwaxana Troi, Guinan, Anij, Vash, Tasha Yar.
Captain Picard Day
His mirror Universe counterpount watches over Terran slaves and exterminated the Ferengi.
He beat Borg, his clone, Dr. Soran, Oprah, and Chuck Norris
Picard has 144 other reasons why he is better then Kirk.

Uploaded by: TheARRGH

Category: TV, Music & Movies

Date: 04/29/07

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Comments (Add Comment)

by ares2101 Sun Apr 29 20:53:22 PDT 2007 (17 months ago)

"Picard had a large serrated knife pushed into his back, through his heart and out his chest... and he just laughed at it!!" :-D I remember that one! Now THAT is tough, :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D