Jibs so far:

0

Jabs so far:

1

The Jerry Chronicles. My name is Jerry.You look surprised.What’d ya think my name was gonna be, Tom? 

I was born on January 1^st.My life’s an apocalypse.Hey, conspiracy theorists, look at me! 

I drink a lot of beer 24/7.Then I sober up.I don’t remember when, but I know I did it. 

I’m going to quit drinking.I just can’t find my bottle. 

I once met John Lennon.Next thing I know, I wound up in a hospital.Now, I know what “Get Back” is all about. 

What is violence?Somebody walks up to you, asks for your wallet, and you give it to him.That’s passive.Same thing, but this time you say no.That’s called passive resistant.Same thing, you say no and punch him in the nose.That’s called stupid; he’s got a gun, you idiot!Somebody walks up to you, asks for your wallet, and you give it to him.Then you pull out your 38 and he runs away.You get to keep your wallet.That’s called self-defense.Same thing, then you pull out your 45.That’s called self-defense with a major attitude.Yet again, somebody walks up to you, asks for your wallet.You pull out your 357.That’s called self-defense with power and in need of an attitude adjustment. (Shoot twice and don’t even think about it.)My name is Jerry, and you wonder why I’m in jail? 

I once took a vacation to Europe.I walked The Beatles footsteps on Abbey Road.Then, I tired to get to the roof of Abbey Road Studios.Next thing I knew, I was banned from ever setting foot of Abbey Road. 

One day I got a pair of glasses.Next day, I heard a cruch. 

At work, I heard that Maxwell Edison was to receive the silver hammer award.Knowing what’d happen next, and wishing to avoid an unpleasant scene,I retreated. 

I love painting by numbers in my spare time.Turns out, I suck so much, my wiping rag is worth more than the finished canvas. 

Aside from painting by numbers, I love flying model airplanes.Now, have you seen a spare finger? 

I found a spare walrus tusk in my attic.I tried to sell it on eBay.Now, eBay won’t even let me make another account. 

Call me crazy, but I communicate with my cats. I do everything they tell me to do.Now, if I could know what their saying.

 I own this old record player.I keep it in new condition.Now, I bet I could buy a fake plant with the money. 

I’ve got the coolest phone.You can see inside of it, and see all what makes it work.Then, my girlfriend came over.She mistook it for a colorful pocket comb.