Laugh with the Irish

Jokebox

Jibs so far:: 4

Jabs so far:: 0

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy.”

Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then." Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

"Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, Shoite, Shoite!"

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame.

He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face. "Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way". He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed."

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fock it" and falls into bed. The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?".

Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?"

"Mick phoned, . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub."

    ********************************************************

    Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.   Looking up to heaven he said,
    "Lord take pity on me.   If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass
    every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

    Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

    Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one.

    ********************************************************************************************************

    Paddy was in New York

    He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street
    crossing.   The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay,
    pedestrians."   Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

    He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

    After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went
    over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

    **********************************************************************************************************

    An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in

    Connecticut .   The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and
    then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the ca r.

    He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

    "Just water," says the priest.

    The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

    The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

    *****************************************************************************************************

    Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking
    buddy, Paddy.   He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

    He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their
    upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.   As he caught himself by
    grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his
    rump.   A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing
    especially painful.

    Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in
    the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.   He
    managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid

    as best he could on each place he saw blood.

    He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his
    way to bed. In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head
    and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

    She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

    Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

    "Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken
    glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drop s of blood trailing
    through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all
    those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.