Jibs so far:

3

Jabs so far:

0

Cut yourself shaving and leave the house with bits of bloody toilet paper stuck all over your face and neck

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Wear your high school class ring beyond high school

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When you finish using a photocopier, reprogram it for 99 copies, 56% reduction, collate, 17 inch paper, extra dark, auto feed, and then make sure to spill correction fluid(whiteout) all over the copy glass

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Pee in the public swimming pool

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Whenever you're visiting friends at their homes, discretely set their alarm clocks to go off at 3 AM

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Eat chili and beans the night before a proctology exam

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Don't shovel your sidewalks after it snows

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When you're writing, dot your i's and j's with circles, hearts or stars

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Shave one side of your head, then paste a postcard to the bald spot

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Wear your watch on your ankle, and check the time constantly

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Surround your house with barbed wire

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Snore

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Use garlic as a breath freshener

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Ask for a raise

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Wear dirty clothes

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Wear clothes which still have the store tags attached

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Mow your lawn at 6 AM

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Own a car alarm that constantly gives off false alarms

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Have only dial phones in your house

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Erect an aluminum/fake Christmas tree (If you're christian/catholic)

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When at a drive-thru, be redundant by specifically asking for the food 'To go'

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Scratch your underarms, crotch, and/or ass in public (especially before shaking somebody's hand)

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If/when you have cash, flash it wildly

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Intentionally drive through puddles to splash pedestrians

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Mix all your food together on your plate before eating it

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Stand up in a busy diner and violently tear a newspaper to shreds while screaming, "Lies! It's all lies!!!!"

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Take pictures at funerals

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Mail your next-door neighbor postcards

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Loosen the caps on salt and pepper shakers

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Ask fat people if they are pregnant

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Ask fat guys if they are pregnant

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Discretely turn the volume on all radios and televisions to maximum - regardless of whether they are on or not

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Wear sunglasses at night

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When you write, put periods and commas on the outside of quotation marks. For example: "You write like an idiot", he told me, "and therefore, you're fired".

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Give somebody mouth wash as a gift

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When you come back from the bathroom in a fancy restraunt, ask the waiter/waitress: "That sign in the bathroom about washing your hands, that's only for the employees, right?"

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Develop an unnatural fear of crossing guards

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Page yourself over the office intercom several times per day

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Suck your thumb

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Read newspapers, magazines and books out loud

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Talk to walls

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Grow a Hitler mustache and change your name to Adolph

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Wear your clothes inside-out

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Build an elaborate, lighted Christmas display outside your home on Memorial Day

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Wear a business suit to a rock concert

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Put lawn ornaments all over your property

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Leave long, drawn out, boring messages on peoples answering machines and near the middle or end mention something important. At the end of the message, recite your phone number as fast as you possibly can

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Win the Lottery

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Recite the alphabet in reverse out loud in public, over and over again

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Become a lawyer

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Join the KKK

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Be a Republican

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Spike a friend's drink with LSD

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Begin every sentence with, "Hey, dude..."

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Call the same wrong number ten times in a row

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Use big words that you can't pronounce and others don't understand

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Use big words that you can't pronounce and you don't understand

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Make up words and insist that they're real. If persistantly questioned, say you heard it on TV once

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Wear pajamas in public

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Dress your dog in clothes

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Give a beautifully wrapped, empty box as a present

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For somebody's birthday (or any gift-related occasion really), get a plastic ring out of a quarter-machine outside the supermarket, wrap it in a small, securely wrapped box, inside a slightly larger, securely wrapped box, inside a slightly larger, securely wrapped box, etc.

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Chew your fingernails and spit the clippings at random people

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Read newspapers, magazines and books upside down

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Call collect

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Imitate Carrot Top

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Surround yourself with idiots

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When somebody asks, "How are you," explain the grisly truth in detail

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Skinny-dip in a public pool

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Constantly remind people that you graduated from grade school

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Be a hypocrite, and then call others hypocrites on top of it

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Tell your minister that you are converting to Catholicism

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Inform your rabbi that you are converting to Islam

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Watch professional wrestling (like wwf and stuff like that) and argue that it's real

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Follow a person around for hours

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Shoot rubberbands at people, especially war veterans (if so, make gunshot noises to the best of your ability)

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Move in with your children

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Join the mob

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Drool

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When at a pool party, spontaniously get out of the pool and ask where the bathroom is. Then discretely leave pieces of a chocolate bar floating in the pool (Baby Ruths work best)

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If you're a parent, try to act 'hip' infront of your child and your childs peers

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Become a door-to-door salesman

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Whenever somebody swears, fall to your nees and pretend to pray

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Spend hours at a fancy steak-house trying to eat steak with a spoon, and insist that this is what you had to do in the navy and that you're not stopping any time soon

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Take a two-week vacation to England and come back with a british accent

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Just spontaniously use a british accent without going to England (I do this one all the time. Trust me, it works)

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Fart in a crowded elevator, try to pin it on somebody else, then 'accidently' hit the Emergency Stop button while trying to move away from the smell

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Hand out fake business cards to random people stating that you offer free proctology exams

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Eat oatmeal, cereal, eggs, soup, etc. with your hands

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Walk around with your fly open

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Drive through a slum with a fancy, luxurious car

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Put a cuckoo (kookoo, for you blondes out there) clock in the guest room, and actually have guests stay over

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Turn all photos and televisions in your house upside-down

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Install strobe lights and multicolored, oscillating spotlights in your bathroom

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If you have a glass eye, take it out and tap it on your desk while you're thinking

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Share intimate pictures of past loves with your current girl/boyfriend

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Hopscotch, limp, skip, shuffle, crawl, high step, goose step, swagger, trot, prance or waddle instead of walking normally (for assistance, watch the Monty Python sketch, Ministry of Silly Walks)

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Come 'out of the closet' to every random person you can find

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Come 'out of the closet' to friends that already know your preference, and tell them the same preference. Then argue with them about how they knew

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Only talk to people through a hand puppet

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Display the flag of a foreign country in your yard

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Burn bridges

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Drive with your windshield wipers on during a beautiful, sunny day

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Drive around town on a riding lawnmower

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Whenever you borrow a pen or pencil, immediately, and in full view of the lender, begin chewing on it, then clean your ears with it

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Clone yourself, and then when you get arrested, accuse your clone

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Blow spit bubbles in public, then challenge random strangers to see who can blow the biggest one

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Name your private parts and talk to them often. Refer to them for help with a problem in public - or advice answering a question

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Play Russian roulette

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Play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol. Insist that since you're the host of the game, it would be rude for you to go first

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When waiting in line at a public restroom, hassle whoever is in the restroom to hurry up

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After you move a chess piece, suddenly scream: "Wait! I changed my mind!" Then move the piece to a different square. Repeat several times per turn. (if you get lucky, your opponant might lose interest temporarily and you can mess with the pieces)

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Take people for a boat ride on the Niagara River - and run out of gas

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